Right after the game went on sale, the Internet’s greatest minds went to work unlocking its dark secrets.
After an extremely dramatic build-up, the massive cross-title fighting game Super Smash Brothers Special (Super Smash Bros. Ultimate outside Japan) hit stores on 7 December.
However, almost immediately after beginning to play, Twitter user Aoba (@Maple_by_) made a startling discovery.
▼ “Sad news: You cannot see up Princess Peach’s skirt.”
悲報 ピーチのパンツ見れない #スマブラSP #SmashBrosSP #NintendoSwitch https://t.co/F93DTWihjl
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あおば (@Maple_by_) December 07, 2018
To laymen, this might just sound like some perv disappointed that they cannot see some cartoon panties. But to game physics scholars, this represents a troubling development. Although some shade is to be expected under a dress, the degree of darkness at such an angle is simply impossible.
Even attempts to adjust the brightness failed.
▼ “It’s amazingly dark. lol”
▼ “I lightened to the maximum value and this is the result.”
This suggests that between Peach’s legs lies matter so dense that even light cannot escape its gravitational pull. This substance which game academics refer to as “dark matter” (not to be confused with that other “dark matter” discussed in real physics) has the potential of consuming Nintendo’s most anticipated game of the year entirely if left unchecked.
However, first a rigorous peer review was needed in which hundreds of gaming researchers set forth to find a way to see up Princess Peach’s dress. Doing so would disprove the existence of dark matter and ensure the safety of the realm.
Normally such research would take months to accomplish, by examining each combination of moves with each of the dozens of characters all at different camera angles. But catching a glimpse of Peach’s panties was of such importance that gamers worked tirelessly around the clock to do so, and just after midnight on 9 December, a breakthrough was made by Twitter user Tamayan (@tamayan22).
▼ “Indeed. If you use the light from Ness’s forward throw you can penetrate the Princess’ dark matter.”
なるほど。ネスの前投げの発光を利用すれば姫のダークマターをかきけす光になると。 https://t.co/p0jMZ06yOv
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たまやん (@tamayan22) December 08, 2018
Other netizens celebrated the discovery of Princess Peach’s panties, proclaiming the probable peril passed.
“It looks like she’s wearing two because you can see the line!”
“It was just a matter of time.”
“Maybe I should get a Switch.”
“I can see the light!”
“Great work team.”
“I wonder if these guys know there’s a whole bunch of games on the PS4 where you can see women’s underwear.”
“Pantsu Switch!”
The discovery was also chronicled by another Twitter user who used screen shots to preserve the advancement in this particular field of research.
▼ “It’s really interesting that within 50 hours, both the darkness in Princess Peach’s skirt and a way to see through it using Ness’s throw were discovered.”
発売50時間以内に「ピーチ姫のスカートの中が暗黒」って事と「ネスの前投げの発光を使えば暗黒をキャンセル出来る」ってのが判明するスマブラ、面白過ぎるでしょ https://t.co/cms4Kt9S0Q
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【ギｭウひ】ナゴド両日現地 (@GYagUHetasugI) December 08, 2018
It’s a very small step for man, but one giant leap for the Internet at large, showing once again that together this collective brain trust is capable of great things like learning why there are no monkeys in Ibaraki Prefecture or tracking ghost babies.
Source: Twitter/@GYagUHetasugI, Twitter/@Maple_by_, Twitter/@tamayan22 via Hachima Kiko
Featured image: Twitter/@GYagUHetasugI
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