Armed with long-sleeved shirts, a few clips, and Mr. Sato’s couture-minded cojones, we continue the SoraNews24 tradition of bold sartorial humor.
One of SoraNews24’s many unofficial slogans is: “Boldly wear what no man has worn before.” Our illustrious reporter Mr. Sato in particular has taken that motto to heart and is always pushing the boundaries of fine couture–most recently with his brilliant fashion choice of “kubipan” neck pants (look for them on the streets of Tokyo this winter season).
Since Mr. Sato’s always on the prowl for new ideas, the other day while out shopping he was struck by inspiration after realizing that Uniqlo’s line of HeatTech shirts are quite stretchable–so he simply must try stretching them to their limits. Therefore, he picked up a few HeatTech crew neck long-sleeved shirts in 4XL size (which were conveniently on sale at the time for 500 yen/US$4.37) and set about assembling his Fashion Research Team of colleagues.
▼ A typical Uniqlo HeatTech shirt
Assisting him in this madness were his fellow writers P.K. Sanjun (left) and Go Hatori (right). He knew that the challenge was in good hands with them–they’re experienced pros at this kind of thing.
Mr. Sato got into position between them. Just how far would could they make the shirt stretch?!
It turned out that getting into position actually meant lying on the floor with his torso on Go’s lap and letting his body go as limp as possible, as if he were about to receive a chiropractic treatment.
He was fine with this arrangement until P.K. grasped his shirt and suddenly planted one foot in his groin. “On the count of three!” Go and P.K. called out.
▼ “Pull!!!”
Mr. Sato was powerless in this situation. All he could do was go along for the ride.
▼ The face of a man who’s part terrified, part exhilarated–the act of your shirt being stretched with a foot in your crotch is an emotionally confusing ordeal.
“We’re almost there! Just a little bit more…!” P.K. yelled. At this point, the shirt was stretched down to Mr. Sato’s ankles.
Mr. Sato was finally asked to stand up, but incredibly, the shirt had bounced back to more or less its original length.
However, Mr. Sato, always the wise prophet, was unfazed. “I can’t go out looking like this. Let’s give it one more go,” he remarked (for a little more context, after two of our staff were almost arrested for doing mankini cosplay in public, our team always makes sure that everyone’s family jewels are adequately covered and out of sight before stepping out).
They all got down on the floor again ready for Round 2.
Mr. Sato endured more direct hits to the crotch, all in the name of inventive fashion.
After assessing the results this time, it looked like the shirt had gotten a little bit longer–this would have to do.
▼ Also, check out Mr. Sato’s leg muscles from his regular pole dancing exercise.
But wait–this concluded only the first part of preparations! You didn’t think that Mr. Sato would be the only one venturing out like this, did you? He was adamant that the best fashion experiments take place in threes. Therefore, the next sucker up was Seiji Nakazawa, who appeared less than thrilled after being roped into another strange scheme right on the heels of the “kubipan” ordeal.
▼ The face of a man who’s seen one too many of Mr. Sato’s thought experiments reach fruition
Seiji was even more apprehensive about getting horizontal and turning control over to his coworkers. “Wait a minute, what do you think you’re doing…?!” he blurted out as strong hands seized him from either end.
“Not the crotch…!!”
“You’ve got this, man!” shouted P.K. “Just grin and bear it a little longer!”
▼ Grinning and barely bearing it
P.K. himself was almost parallel to the floor at this point in order to achieve maximum possible stretchage.
“It’s well past your knees,” Go reassured him. With great fashion comes great pain, after all.
After all of that, the shirt once again bounced back to more or less its original length. Hopefully it had become a bit more flexible, though.
The third and final unassuming victim was Ahiru Neko, who was busy wishing that he could instead relive the day when he wore diapers as opposed to suffering through this nonsense.
Slightly spooked by his teammates’ methods, Ahiru Neko nonetheless endured the necessary adjustments.
He really hoped he’d get a raise for dealing with this.
▼ The face of a man who doesn’t get paid enough to put up with all of these office hijinks
Stretch! Stretch! Stretch!
▼ Introducing SoraNews24’s ultimate HeatTech wrestling move
As in the case of his two previous coworkers, his shirt had simply shrunk back to its original size. The elasticity of Uniqlo’s HeatTech shirts was super impressive.
Since the shirts weren’t appropriate to go out the way they were, the trio decided that the best solution was simply to clip the hem of the shirts to some lower part of their attire to keep the shirts as stretched as possible.
…Lower part meaning their socks.
And thus, the Uniqlo HeatTech dress bros were assembled.
But what was the fun in inventing this new fashion trend if they couldn’t flaunt it a bit in the wider world? There was only one acceptable solution here–as with many of their other experiments, it was time to get out in public by heading over to Starbucks.
They hadn’t gotten very far out the door when they realized how drafty their new get-ups were. That was to be expected, however, since they weren’t wearing anything other than their underwear under the HeatTech.
Perhaps it was because of the chilliness, but they thought that their regular route to coffee felt longer than usual.
At one point a major fashion crisis was averted when one of Seiji’s clips fell off and Mr. Sato came to the rescue.
▼ “Thanks, man!”
▼ “Argh, another one fell off! High fives are dangerous business…”
This time Ahiruneko helped fasten the clip on the other side.
Overcome by the spirit of comradery, they all instantly forgot Mr. Sato’s warning about high fives being dangerous and did a group one. More fallen pins and fixes later, they were on their way again.
The group was now approaching a busier area in the neighborhood. This light seemed to take longer than usual to change, too. They just wanted to cross the street quickly because there was a local police box directly behind them. They didn’t want to deal with any awkward interrogations today…
If only one more colleague had joined them, they could have done their best Abbey Road impression in HeatTech dresses.
Finally, they arrived. They were also ecstatic to realize that unlike their last “kubipan” adventure, they could use their arms and actually carry coffee back to the office this time.
Mr. Sato, being the great leader that he was, instructed Seiji and Ahiru Neko to wait outside while he went in to purchase the drinks. The other two were grateful that he had the courage to go inside for all of them, but they were still self-conscious enough waiting outside.
Thank goodness–Mr. Sato pushed open the door, his arms full of hot caffeine-y goodness.
The coffee warmed their very spirits, as well as their nether regions.
They then took a moment to rejoice in the momentous success of this latest fashion excursion in the very spot where they had posed in “kubipan” weeks before.
In fact, they felt more unified as a team than ever before.
For the way back, they decided to spice things up a bit and move the clips to their crotches, creating a sort of onesie-meets-long-pajamas-style look. Ooh la la.
The team proudly walked the streets of Tokyo back to the office. Suddenly, Seiji ventured to ask, “By the way, what is the Fashion Research Team in the first place?” “Oh yeah, I was meaning to ask that, too,” Ahiru Neko chimed in.
To which Mr. Sato responded, “The mission of the Fashion Research Team is to explore the new possibilities for clothing.”
“Following our previous ‘kubipan’ discovery, we’ve just opened another fashion door. You should be very proud.”
Ahiru Neko then muttered under his breath, “Shouldn’t we be embarrassed…?” However, his remark was lost to the sounds of the neighborhood.
And so, the group continued onward, boldly to wear what no man has worn before. And hey, as Mr. Sato always says, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.
Photos © SoraNews24
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