We play soccer with our pants up to our necks and battle some childhood demons along the way.
While SoraNews24 writer and fashionable might not be two words that are often considered in the same sentence, we challenge you to find someone more fashionable than our very own Mr. Sato.
Ever at the forefront of the latest trends, Mr. Sato’s latest foray into the world of fashion saw him coming up with kubipan neck pants, a new style where sweatpants are hoisted up around the neck.
▼ The cover of this month’s issue of SoraFashion, probably.
While kubipan neck pants haven’t had a significant impact on the fashion industry (yet), the gang hasn’t given up on them. They still have the potential to become the latest trend, according to Seiji Nakazawa, a man who isn’t shy about trying out new looks.
One of the potential setbacks to worldwide kubipan domination, however, is the fact that once the kubipan neck pants are on, you can’t use your hands — your hands are otherwise preoccupied protecting your groin, as wearing the kubipan neck pants puts a certain… pressure on the area.
This got Seiji thinking — what are some things you can do where you don’t need to use your hands?
▼ Of course. Soccer!
And so, Seiji gathered his fellow co-workers for a friendly game of kubipan soccer and headed to an indoor court.
In order to reduce the amount of damage done to the collective crotches of the SoraNews24 office, the six shortest members of the team were selected for the teams. So without further ado, here are the six members of the inaugural Kubipan World Cup.
▼ Team A — Mr. Sato, Ahiruneko, Seiji
▼ Team B — Yoshio, Shinomiya, Takashi Harada
But before the match could start, the players had to put on their uniforms. Another downside of the kubipan neck pants is that you can’t put them on by yourself, and so P.K. Sanjun and Go Hatori were enlisted as Uniform Creators, a position they were surely overjoyed to have drawn.
▼ Time to put on the kubipan…
▼ Ouch!!!
▼ I’ll take Pictures You Can Hear for 200, Alex.
▼ It may seem like the Uniform Creators are enjoying this, and it’s because they are.
▼ Not many people are able to say they were paid to give their boss a wedgie.
▼ P.K. taking his role seriously, making sure Takashi’s shoulders are appropriately covered.
▼ Ready!
The players at this point had already suffered greatly before the game had even begun, but suffering and catastrophic damage to the groin all add to the joy of the sport. The pre-match group photo was taken, and the game was about to begin!
As the players lined up, waiting for the whistle to start the match, Seiji couldn’t help but wonder: would the gang even be able to play soccer with the kubipan neck pants on?
And then, Seiji saw it — the second the whistle was blown…
The color of Yoshio’s eyes changed, and it was then that Seiji realised how unbalanced the teams were. Yoshio was in the soccer club at school, so he was already gifted with at least some skills, but also Yoshio’s teammates were sportingly inclined too. Shinomiya was in the basketball club and Takashi was in the rugby club.
Meanwhile, not a single member of Team A was in any sports clubs at school, all three were instead members of non-sports clubs like calligraphy.
That wasn’t going to stop Seiji and his team, though. They’d spent their youth being dominated by guys like Team B in gym class, and it was time to take back the power.
Kubipan soccer was no longer just about enduring overwhelming crotch pain, it was a clash of ideals.
Seiji let out a mighty roar, feeling the spirits of those not athletically inclined rushing through him, and made a mad dash for the goal.
…only to fall flat on his face, and revealing a devastating truth in the process — if you fall over whilst wearing kubipan, it’s a real struggle to get yourself back up on your feet.
The flashbacks to gym class began, as Seiji squirmed on the floor…
…as his “classmates” did nothing but look on and laugh. And also score, as in the confusion Takashi landed a tasty goal in the back of the net!
▼ Enjoy these pictures of some intense kubipan soccer, with a special appearance from Mr. Sato’s arse.
▼ A possible foul from Takashi here with an exposed set of shoulders, but sadly our Uniform Checkers were also doubling up as photographers, leaving no one free to referee.
▼ Ahiruneko makes a break for the goal. He shoots…
▼ …and he scores! GOAL!!
The match raged on, and eventually ended in Team B winning by three goals to one.
But despite the difference in ability, both teams were left exhausted but satisfied by the whole affair. Turns out being good at sports doesn’t affect how much fun kubipan soccer is, and even those with an overwhelming lack of sporting talent can have a good time. The game is so tiring that matches can only really last for about ten minutes, making it more accessible than regular soccer.
Seiji recommends everyone try this out, and hopes it will be a popular sport in the future. He can imagine it now — businessmen getting ready to clock off, asking their co-workers, “Anyone fancy a spot of kubipan soccer after work?”
▼ Check out the video of the gang playing kubipan soccer here!
So while Seiji didn’t quite defeat the demons from his past, he still had a great time with his friends and proved how versatile kubipan neck pants can really be.
All the gang need now is to get some female supporters on board with the look and kubipan soccer is sure to catch on nationwide.
Photos: ©SoraNews24
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