A senbero revenge is a dish best served frozen…then reheated.
Mr. Sato continues on his quest to find the best set of food and alcohol for about 1,000 yen (US$8.76), known as a “senbero” in Japanese. If he succeeds, he can finally rescue his co-worker Masanuki Sunakoma who was possessed by evil senbero spirts.
And this time Mr. Sato was in very high spirits because he got a hot new lead on a place with high home-senbero potential. Commercial Food Supermarket Amika (Gyomuyo Shokuhin Supa Amika) is a lesser-known supermarket chain that specializes in pre-cooked foods intended for use in restaurants but also available to the general public.
It’s so lesser-known that this is the first time Mr. Sato had even heard of the place, but he was downright giddy with excitement about what he could get for under 1,000 yen. For his drink selection, our Senbero God opted for a drink box of Oni Koroshi sake for 94 yen ($0.82).
On the food end of this senbero, Mr. Sato found a pouch of freshly frozen pasta with amatriciana sauce for 119 yen ($1.04). It wasn’t made by Antonio DeNiro, but it would have to do.
Next, he spent 134 yen ($1.17) on a pack of frozen shrimp pilaf.
And in a huge senbero coup, our reporter scored a bag of frozen French fries 218 yen ($1.91) which doesn’t sound so great until you notice it’s a one-kilogram (two-pound) bag!
For some protein, Mr. Sato bought a hamburger patty with “Chaliapin style sauce” for just 98 yen ($0.86).
By the way, Chaliapin sauce is a mixture composed mainly of wine, onions, and salt and used for Chaliapin steak. This style of steak is almost completely unique to Japan and was developed by the Imperial Hotel in Tokyo about a century ago, specifically for the Russian opera singer Feodor Chaliapin, who was complaining of a sore tooth at the time and required an extremely tender steak for his dinner.
Bet you weren’t expecting to learn something in this Japan’s Best Home Senbero Article, were you?
Anyway, back to the nonsense: Mr. Sato got a pack of “healthy” sliced cheese for 110 yen ($0.96) which boasts 90 percent less cholesterol.
Then for 140 yen ($1.23) he bought a package of chikuwa, fish sausage which are often served in dishes like oden.
And for dessert, our reporter selected a bag of cooking corn flakes for a mere 58 yen ($0.51).
Altogether, this senbero came to 971 yen ($8.51) before tax, and although it was only eight items, it looked like one of our Senbero God’s biggest hauls pound-for-pound.
Excited that this could be the senbero that finally gets through to his evil co-worker Masanuki, Mr. Sato eagerly prepared his equipment.
However, as a precaution he decided to cook in a wrestling singlet. You never know when someone will jump in the ring and try to ruin your senbero.
Yes, the mood was electric for this meal and the capacity crowd cheered our Senbero God on as he dunked his retort-pouch pasta into submission.
His next opponent proved fiercer, however. Japan’s Best Home Senbero readers might recall Mr. Sato’s weakness against sealed bags.
To everyone’s surprise and with an hellacious show of strength, he quickly bested the bag and got it open…but wait! What’s this?!
The shrimp pilaf countered his move by spilling all over the floor, and the crowd goes wild!
This means that our reporter, a man nearing his 50s, will have to do the unthinkable and bend over to pick it all up!
He’s not looking good… This might be the end for Superfly Sato.
Wait… He’s starting to move.
Is it? No way!
Oh my god! Incredible! He stood up with the strength of a man who could pass for 44-years-old easily!
Oh no! He’s crossing his eyes, and we all know what that means.
It’s time for his finishing move!
Here it is the Ocean Pacific Peace or “Oh-Pah-Pee” move, made famous by the legendary Yoshio Kojima!
Of course, since Kojima is a comedian and not a wrestler, that was the end. Mr. Sato quietly bent over and picked up the fallen rice.
He then put the surviving pilaf on a plate and popped it in the microwave for a few minutes.
Next he filled the frying pan with oil to cook up all his French fries.
▼ Mr. Sato: “Hey! Do you know what ‘oil’ is backwards?”
▼ Mr. Sato: “It’s LIO-VE, baby!”
Yes, the Senbero God’s spirits have never been higher.
Just then, the microwave dinged, indicating that his shrimp pilaf was complete.
▼ Mr. Sato: “Yay!”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Shrimp!”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Rice!”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Shrimp!”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Rice!”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Yeah, baby!!! The pilaf is done!”
The fact that most of this food was pre-made also cut down on Mr. Sato’s required effort, elating him even more during mundane tasks like unwrapping the chikuwa.
▼ Mr. Sato: “Yo! Check this out!”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Hey Brazil! Do ya hear me?!”
Given Japan’s location on the globe, the cliché joke here is that if you dug straight down through the center of the Earth, you’d come up on the other side in Brazil.
▼ Mr. Sato: “Brazil!!! Thanks for the chikuwa!”
However, a coworker quickly pointed out that the fish meat for this chikuwa was sourced from “China, the USA, and elsewhere.”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Wow, is my face red… I hope no Brazilians heard me.”
Next, Mr. Sato had to move one of the portable stoves before cooking the fries. However, it was still too hot to pick up, but at the same time he didn’t want to ruin the momentum this senbero was on.
Just then, a mysterious hand presented a pile of work gloves.
▼ Mr. Sato: “What the hell? Thanks…”
Only having two functioning hands, Mr. Sato wasn’t sure what to do with so many gloves, so he stored them in his unitard.
He was now ready to work!
Fearing that he might get splashed with hot oil yet again, Mr. Sato kept his distance and tossed the fries in one by one.
You’d think this would most certainly increase his chances of getting splashed, but he came out unscathed.
The fries were cooking into a nice golden yellow, so our reporter decided to preview one.
It was indeed delicious, and the Senbero God was very pleased with this purchase.
He then began to celebrate the victory with a traditional potato dance.
▼ Mr. Sato: “Potay, Potah, Potoh, Potuuuuuuuu….”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Po-TEE!!!”
However, there were an awful lot of fries left and the day was getting long, so he just grabbed a handful and dropped it into the oil.
▼ Mr. Sato: “AGH! Dammit! Oil!”
The stinging pain cut right through Mr. Sato’s euphoric carelessness. As he stood there, running warm water over the burn, he remembered that finding Japan’s Best Home Senbero was serious business and his friend’s soul was at stake.
He also realized that while having fun was important, kitchen safety was no laughing matter. Sharp tools and searing temperatures could result in far more serious injuries if not treated with respect.
▼ Mr. Sato: “Kids, don’t be like me. Take your time and be sure to get adult supervision when preparing your drinking parties.”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Alright, fries! TEE-ime out!”
▼ Mr. Sato: “You too, cooked fries! TEE-OH!”
As for the oil, Mr. Sato had plans for that. When the ref wasn’t looking he snuck a foreign object into the ring: some solidifying powder!
All he needed to do was sprinkle in the powder and then stir it up with some chopsticks.
However, he had no chopsticks. As we can plainly and uncomfortably see, the only thing he had on him was a bunch of gloves.
▼ Ahiruneko: “Hey, Senbero God! I love your articles. They’re hilarious! Here’re some chopsticks!”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Um, these are serious cooking segments, but thanks…I guess.”
Suddenly, Mr. Sato got down on all fours but upside down and with the chopsticks balanced on his bulge of unused gloves.
This might make more sense knowing that in Japanese the words for “chopsticks” and “bridge” are the homophones “hashi.”
Also, the pose that Senbero God struck is known by the English word “bridge” in Japanese.
…I said this all “might make sense.”
Mr. Sato then stirred up the hardening agent and let it sit while he prepared the rest of the senbero.
He rolled up the sliced cheese and inserted it into the chikuwa for a flavor boost.
▼ Mr. Sato: “Complete! Now to grill it.”
▼ Mr. Sato: “But first…”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Br…Brah…”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Brazilians! Thanks for the chikuwa!”
▼ Mr. Sato: “You know, CHI-KU-WA! Thanks! Thank you for that!”
Then it suddenly re-occured to Mr. Sato that this chikuwa had nothing to do with the country of Brazil.
▼ Mr. Sato: “It’s an honest mistake… Hey, look at that!!!”
▼ Mr. Sato: “The oil is all hard now! Cool.”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Well, back at it!”
He then put the chikuwa into the toaster oven to warm it up and melt the cheesy filling.
This senbero was nearing completion, and Mr. Sato gave his pre-fight interview.
▼ Mr. Sato: “You know, Gene, a lot of people don’t realize I was the original big eater.”
▼ Mr. Sato: “How big, you ask?”
▼ Mr. Sato: “You’re looking at the five-time intercontinental senbero champion and reigning tag team title holder…and I’m just one guy!!!”
▼ Mr. Sato: “And when I meet this senbero at a packed Madison Square Table… Well, let’s just say I have a little surprise prepared.”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Say, you know what this is?”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Oh? Did you forget I bought this too?”
▼ Mr. Sato: “I did buy it… And I’m gonna eat it.”
▼ Mr. Sato: “That’s right! This burger is MINE!”
▼ Mr. Sato: “And I’m gonna eat it to death, live on Pay-Per-View!”
The stage was set, and Senbero God Sato emptied the pasta pouch onto a plate.
Finally, he grabbed the chikuwa from the oven.
This was going to be one heck of a brutal, no-holds-barred senbero showdown!
▼ Mr. Sato: “Slurrrrrrrrp!”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Ahh! Sake always seems to soak right into your whole body.”
The French fry he had snuck earlier was so good, Mr. Sato was excited to dig into the whole plate.
He had thought they tasted a bit like McDonald’s fries. However, like McDonald’s fries, once they get cold these too seemed to undergo an unfortunate change in consistency.
Mr. Sato spent so much time making bridges and shouting at Brazil that he had let them get too cold and kind of yucky.
▼ Mr. Sato: “Slurrrrrrrrp!”
Still, it was nothing a little sake wouldn’t fix.
▼ Mr. Sato: “What a lovely pairing.”
The pasta was sure to be better though. For only 119 yen, it certainly looked worth it.
It was…okay. The taste was fine but a little weak. Probably if another packet of sauce was added it would be more delicious.
Alright, how about the shrimp pilaf?
It too was just kind of OK. It didn’t taste like anything special, but there was nothing especially wrong with it either. It just seemed to exist.
The chikuwa had a really good texture but it smelled a little fishy. Probably it was more suited to adding in more complex dishes than eating on its own.
Come to think of it, it would seem that since all the items were “commercial food” which is intended to be sold at restaurants, cafes, and such, it was sold intentionally a little bland so the various businesses could each add their own unique tastes and seasonings to it. Isn’t that right, Mr. Sato?
▼ Mr. Sato: “Slurrrrrrrrp!”
Now for the main dish… The hamburger steak wasn’t supposed to be a main dish, but it was now.
▼ Mr. Sato: “Hmmmm, uh huh… Uh huh…”
Both Mr. Sato and the capacity crowd fell silent. Had the mediocrity of this senbero placed him in a sleeper hold?
Suddenly, a slow but steady thumping sound could be heard from the mat.
Then the crowd began clapping along to the sound, as if all were one.
The sound grew faster and Mr. Sato seemed to be getting a second wind at this crucial point in the match!
The thumping then became thunderous and as Mr. Sato gestured to each corner of the stadium the crowd roared.
▼ Ahiruneko: “Yay.”
▼ Seiji: “Hoo.”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Hamburger!”
▼ Mr. Sato: “HAAAAAAAAMBUUUURGER!!!”
In a shocking comeback, it turns out Mr. Sato was nicely satisfied by the meal as a whole, thanks to the deliciously operatic burger finishing move. All that was left was his bag of cooking cereal to bring this event to a close.
Looking at the bag, it was only then that Mr. Sato realized the corn flakes were meant for cooking with and not eating straight. This meant that they too were probably blander than your average corn flake.
▼ Mr. Sato: “Cooking?”
However, he was in a state of senbero ecstasy – but mostly drunk by this point – and didn’t seem to care.
▼ Mr. Sato: “Cooking?”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Cooking.”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Cook cook♫”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Cookitty♫ Cook cook cook♪”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Coo-king♫”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Cookkok♫ Kokkitty♫ Cook♪”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Cooky-ookook♫”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Cookoo Cachoo♫”
Suddenly a cold wind swept into the office.
From parts unknown, a dark figure had arrived and peered through the doorway.
▼ Mr. Sato: “Kickock and ya don’t stop♫”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Cooki…eh…oh.”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Cooking…”
▼ Masanuki: “…”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Cookitty…”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Oh, hey there. I guess you’ve come to spoil my senbero again?”
▼ Masanuki: “…”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Well guess what, pal! You can’t! This senbero wasn’t perfect, but it had its moments and made me happy. In fact, why don’t you try smiling every once in a while too?”
Mr. Sato’s words seemed to register with the dark senbero lord on a deep level and he appeared conflicted.
▼ Masanuki: “…”
▼ Mr. Sato: “That’s it! Come on, follow me!”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Good…a little more in your knees there! Try to smile a bit!”
▼ Mr. Sato: “OK! Now really open it up!”
▼ Mr. Sato: “That’s how it’s done! See, a great senbero means letting go of your inhibitions.”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Every once in a while, jump and shout ‘COOKING CORN FLAKES’ because it has a nice mouthfeel.”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Can you feel it, Masanuki?”
▼ Mr. Sato: “This is how you’re supposed to feel during a senbero.”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Let the positivity flow through you like a warm cup of sake!”
▼ Mr. Sato: “Breathe it in and let it free your soul!”
Masanuki seemed to be fully under Mr. Sato’s spell and danced with great abandon.
However, his face still couldn’t seem to force a smile. Rather it seemed contorted in agony as he danced.
The dark forces were still in control, but a great battle appeared to be going on within him, just below the surface.
Suddenly, Masanuki began dancing towards the door.
Mr. Sato pranced behind him in hot pursuit.
The evil part of Masanuki was trying to flee the feel-good vibes of this senbero, but Senbero God Sato was not about to let him go.
They both left the office to continue this decisive battle for Masanuki’s very soul outside. It was sure to be an unbelievable fight to the finish with mind-blowing special effects and nail-biting plot twists…
But this episode has already been going on for a really long time, and we’re kind of sleepy. So, how about we pick this up next time on Japan’s Best Home Senbero!
Catch up on all our “Japan’s Best Home Senbero” articles here:
Episode #1 – Lawson Store 100
Episode #2 – Don Quijote
Episode #3 – Costco
Episode #4 – IKEA
Episode #5 – ABS Wholesale Center
Episode #6 – Aeon
Episode #7 – Kaldi
Episode #8 – 7-Eleven
Episode #9 – Milk and Cake for Dogs
Episode #10 – Hanamasa Meat
Episode #11 – Life
Episode #12 – Shokuhinkan Aoba
Episode #13 – Seiyu
Photos: ©SoraNews24
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